An Untitled Tale of Snape's Unrequited Love
by razzle.matazz
Summary: She is the only living soul who I have completely confided in. The only one who knows all my secrets. No, that's not true. There's one secret she has yet to discover.


***Disclaimer: The italicized little blurbs belong to Fall Out Boy and are from their song "Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy", mmkay?  
Characters belong to the genius J.K. Rowling.

* * *

_When I wake up  
I'm willing to take my chances  
On the hope that you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you_

I wake up to the usual quietness of the late night hours with the soft green glow of the lake casting eerie shadows on the contents of the room. Around me, my fellow Slytherins lie peacefully in their beds unaware of the event that is about to take place. They have no idea that in a few short minutes I'll be making my way up to the fifth floor to meet Lily Evans. They have no idea that this has become a nightly ritual for us over the past two years. And they wouldn't because I, unlike so many of my housemates, don't divulge my private thoughts and secrets to everyone who will listen. I, unlike my housemates, don't put my trust into just anyone.

Except for Lily.

She is the only living soul who I have completely confided in. The only one who knows all my secrets. No, that's not true. There's one secret she has yet to discover. I doubt she will ever know it, not with that pompous show-off James Potter always tailing her. She says she hates him, says he's full of himself but I see the glow in her emerald eyes when he enters a room. Her face may have disgust written on it but her eyes never lie. But I'll take my chances. Hopefully - maybe - she does hate him more than her eyes let on.

_So, you need him, I could be him  
I could be an accident but I'm still trying  
That's more than I can say for him_

Yet I can't fight off the notion that she needs him. Like fighting with him makes her complete as a person. It's like if she doesn't argue with him, her day is incomplete, worthless. She's never said this but from my close observation of her over the past five years, I've come to understand her demeanor. I don't think she knows how well I can read her body language - and then again I wouldn't tell her. That would only bring up the fact that I am in love with her and how differently she looks at me and Potter.

How I want to be him. Not _be_ him. I don't desire to be a flashy, haughty, mindless prat who thinks he's the gift to the world; rather, I want to be the one that Lily secretly longs for but won't let the feeling satiate. I want to have that power over her, to hold her in the palm of my hand. But I'm fearful of what that might do to our relationship. We have been friends for so long that taking it farther could actually ruin the foundation of our relationship. On the other hand, there's the possibility that we _could_ be better off as lovers. However, our love would be ridiculed: How could the rich, beautiful, smart Muggle-born ever be fond of the poor, greasy-haired, ugly Half-blood? But that wouldn't matter because I _know_ her and she knows me; not everything, we're both still trying but that's more than I can say about Potter.

He doesn't care the way I do about her. He sees her as this prize to be won, another trophy to put in his case. I, however, value her friendship, her kindred spirit and loving attitude. He doesn't know one thing about the real Lily Evans. He never will.

_Where is your boy tonight? I hope that he's gentleman.  
Maybe he won't find out what I know  
You are the last good thing about this part of town._

I pull back the deep green duvet, lift my legs from the warmth of the bed and stuff them into my black sneakers. I take my wand off the bedside and quietly make my way out the dormitory, through the empty common room and up to the fifth floor. I have to dodge Filch and his filthy cat, Mrs. Norris, more than once so by the time I arrive Lily is pacing and muttering to herself about my tardiness. I watch her, waiting for her to notice me. I can't help the slight flutter of my internal organs at the sight of her long red mane swishing behind her like the tail of a unicorn as she turns down the hall. I can't help but catch the small glimmer of anger in her eye as she passes a lit torch. She's angry but I know it won't be for long. She spots me, finally, and the anger disappears from her eyes to be replaced with relief and her mutterings cease.

She says "Sev, you made it," a smile spreading across her pink lips. I nod as I follow her behind the suit of armor we use as our hiding place. She settles next to me, her hand brushing mine ever so slightly as she fits into the tight space; the touch sends a shiver down my spine. Vanilla fills my nose as she turns to face me in the semi-darkness. "I was worried you had gotten caught," she says. And I know she is genuinely worried; I can hear it in her voice and see it in her beautiful green eyes.

I wonder where Potter is tonight. I bet he wishes he was here instead of me. I enjoy thinking of him wide awake in his bed, pondering whether Lily is thinking of him too. And then the thought of me enters his mind and he punches his pillow out of frustration because he can't do anything about Lily and I. I laugh because Potter'll never know what she tells me and he'll never know how much she means to me. He only wishes he knew half of what I know about her. She's the last good thing about this place. She's the only thing worth coming back for.

Lily looks at me curiously and I tell her that I was thinking of Filch. She doesn't believe me - it's written all over her face - but no questioning comes from her as she opens her mouth to speak again. She starts telling me about her day. I listen intently and hang on to every word so she knows that I care about what she has to say. She tells me all her thoughts and secrets of that day; she thinks she got an 'Acceptable' on her History of Magic essay, she wants to tell Mary to stop being melodramatic but doesn't want to hurt her feelings. She wishes her sister would stop treating her badly and accept the fact that she's a witch and she's tired of her parents doting over her when she comes home. I give words of encouragement. She asks about my day. I tell her that my parents are still fighting and that my grades are slipping. She scolds me for not doing my work and sympathizes with my family problems.

_Someday I'll appreciate in value  
Get off my and call you_

We promise to meet again the next night - there's no need because I'd always come for her. She checks the corridor for a sign of Filch and when she knows the coast is clear, she crawls out. She motions for me to follow suit and I oblige. "Night Sev" she says hugging me. It's a wonder she can't feel my heart pounding against my chest when her body is so close to mine. I'd like to keep her in my arms forever but she soon escapes me. "Goodnight Lily. I love you" I say. She rolls her eyes playfully and responds "I love you, too, Sev" before she runs down the hall toward the Gryffindor Tower. I watch her until the tip of her hair vanishes around a corner.

I worry that she doesn't really know how much I appreciate her. I tell her but I'm not sure if she knows the weight behind my words. Her reaction is always the same when I utter those three words. She thinks I only mean it as friends do but she's wrong. It means so much more. I can't tell her out of fear of what could happen between us. One day I'll get up, though, and tell her. Tell her everything that I've felt for the past five years. Let her in on my deepest and most private secret.

One day.

But in the meantime I'll settle for waking up knowing that I have her in my life. It's better than not having her at all. At least this way I can say I knew her if one day we never spoke again...


End file.
